


Handle with Care

by LadyFrandrews



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Pianist!Bucky, blind!bucky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2018-02-28 14:38:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 15,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2736266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyFrandrews/pseuds/LadyFrandrews
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He allowed his emotions to inflect themselves constantly. I knew through just our brief conversation to the platform when he was embarrassed, nervous, passionate, excited, cautious, honest, and so on. </p><p>I shook my head; I had to clear my thoughts. I had just met the man and here I was already distracted. I didn’t do distractions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 001

**Author's Note:**

> I, for the life of me, cannot remember where I saw this prompt, but it said something along the lines of one of [insert otp here] is blind and falls in love with the other's voice. I immediately had a thought about this for Bucky/Steve and am just going with it.
> 
> While I am not blind myself, one of my best friends is, so I'm taking a few cues from her experiences when dealing with Bucky's daily life habits, as well as adding a few of my own.
> 
> That being said, I'm not sure how long this is going to be, and updates will be spotty at best, but if you're interested great, if not, carry on.

Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, and twenty-six; I reach my right hand out and feel along the countertop and feel the slight chip that sits right in front of my coffeemaker. I move my hand forward along the counter and feel around for the on switch. I press it and wait. I listen as the machine starts its process, heating up and then as it begins to brew a few moments later. I always fill it up before I go to bed, that way it’s one less thing I have to do in the morning. I will never be a morning person.

I know that my cabinets are a light stain, and that my dish cabinets have a different knob than my cup cabinets – actually all of my cabinets have different knobs to dictate which is which. Even my spice cabinet has its own knob. My pots and pans have a square knob that feels like a cube. My dishes have a fancy knotted knob, my cups a very similar knot so I know they go together. My spices have an antique knob, porcelain actually. It’s smooth, round, and always cool to the touch. I could go on forever really, about the attention to detail you’d find in my apartment. It has an open floor plan with two bedrooms, a master bath, a full bath, a kitchen and a breakfast nook. It’s all hardwood, I don’t like area rugs, they just get in the way. If my things can touch a wall, they do, leaving me plenty of space to maneuver myself throughout.

I don’t have a television, but I have an excellent sound system. I love music. I have a piano that sits on my second room, along with awards that litter the wall space at odd intervals. Natalia says it looks nice, I can only take her word for it.

My coffee machine beeps, signaling that it’s complete. I reach out with my left hand for the mug that I leave out from the night before. I move it closer and grab the pot with my right hand; I count out five seconds as I pour. I can feel the heat of the steaming liquid on my left index finger lingering on the mug’s edge.

My watch beeps, telling me that it’s 6:45. I have twenty minutes to get myself ready for the day or else I’ll be stuck waiting for the 7:45 train. I prefer the 7:15, gives me just a few extra minutes.

I turn with my mug in hand and count the twenty-six steps back to my bedroom door, and then the twelve to my closet. I feel around for the right hanger, my work clothes are all on wood hangers. My casual clothes are on plastic hangers, color coded according to Natalia. I count to the fourth wooden hanger and pull it out. I turn towards my bed and count the five steps it takes to reach it, place my clothes down before walking along my bed to put my mug on my nightstand. I slip off my slippers where I stand, then unbutton my pajama top and place it on my pillow. I push down my sleep pants and fold them, placing them on top of my top and turn to my left and take three steps to my dresser. I pull open the top drawer and pull out a fresh pair of boxer-briefs. I remove the ones currently on and replace them with the fresh pair before heading back to where I had left my clothes for the day.

Once dressed I make my way to my en suite bathroom, where I brush my teeth, run a brush through my hair and use a small bit of product to tame some of the shorter pieces that like to have minds of their own. I stop by my dresser once more, go into the second drawer down and pull out a pair of socks from the left side of the drawer.

I continue out towards my door, stopping at the coat closet to its right. I bend down and grab my shoes and slip them on, then choose my jacket for the day. I choose my leather bomber, while not exactly work attire it’ll keep me warm on my morning walk. I make sure to grab my cane, the one that sits to the left of the door, just below where my keys hang on my way out. I slip on the sunglasses in my jacket’s pocket – each jacket/coat on my closet has its own pair. Natalia says accessories still have to match, even if I’m a man.

“Oh, hello, are you Mr. Barnes?”

I stop and turn my head towards the intruder on my morning routine. I nod, “I’m heading to the train, can I help you with anything?” I lock my door and turn to the man on my left.

“Nat is out, a family emergency; she’ll be out of town for hopefully no longer than a week. I’m sorry; I should have called before just dropping in on you like this. I’m Steve, Steve Rogers. I’ll be her replacement until she returns.”

I held my hand out for him to shake, he took it in a rather strong, firm grasp and shook it a good three times. “I am Mr. Barnes, but please call me Bucky. I don’t mean to be rude but I do need to be on my way, I prefer the 7:15 train into the city, not so busy as the 7:45.”

“Of course, would you mind if I walked you, I mean with you?”

I smiled at the obvious discomfort that was coming off the man in waves, no not discomfort, embarrassment. I nodded and started down the hall. He interrupted me at step seventeen as I knew he would, it marked the elevator. I shook my head, “I take the stairs.”

“You do?” His tone didn’t hide his shock.

“I’m not an invalid Mr. Rogers; I’m more than capable of doing things on my own.” I kept my tone light and teasing, I knew he hadn’t outright meant to offend me.

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry Bucky, I just, okay then, I’m sorry. Do you know how many there are?”

I smirked, not even turning to face him and carried on down the hall. “Twelve between my floor and the landing, then another ten, not to mention the four to the street exit, and then another sixty-eight to the subway stairs. I do this every day Mr. Rogers. No need to fret. Natalia sure didn’t.”

He laughed, and I found myself quite taken with the sound. “She’s great at what she does, even if her bedside manner is lacking.”

“Oh, quite the contrary Mr. Rogers, I find her bedside manner to be refreshing. She’s never treated me as anything less than another human being. She’s direct and challenges me with things that I am more than capable of doing, even if at first she’s the only one that can make that judgment call.”

I heard his sigh as he caught the door to the stairwell and followed me down. “Can you at least call me Steve? Mr. Rogers made my childhood all warm and fuzzy, plus I lack the abundance of mother-made sweaters.”

I was already on the landing, as I take well to stairs. I heard him hurry up to keep up with me. “You have a strange sense of humor Steve.”

He scratched as his head, most likely the back, “Thanks.” He hadn’t sounded so sure to take it as the compliment it was. I carried on, and finally reached out for the street exit. I waited until I could feel his presence behind me.

“Steve, would you mind guiding me to the platform?” I felt his hand cover my own as he muttered a “sure,” and guided my left hand the crook of his elbow. I felt him startle at the morning chill. I welcomed it.

“Natalia mentioned you a few times.”

I felt his arm tense, “All nice things I hope.”

“It was a few months ago, I suppose when you have first started, she mentioned there was a new guy. Said that he was too awkward to be that big of a man, she called it endearing actually.”

Why did I just say that?

He laughed again, “She is the best at delivering backhanded compliments. She’s actually a very old friend of mine. We attended the same high school for two years before her family moved out of the area. We oddly met up again during our first year in med school.”

I found myself, yet again, fond of the inflection of emotions present in his voice as he spoke.

“She actually stuck up for me when one of the big ego docs got it in their head that they could target me because of my apparent ‘unwavering code of moral ethics’ that clashed with theirs. But enough about me, if we’re going to spending time together, I’d like to get to know some things about you too.” He was smiling, I could tell.

“You know my name, where I live, and where I work, what else do you need to know?”

“Nat said you like to play piano. How long have you played?”

I faltered in my next step and was glad he was there to balance me out. He immediately offered a rushed apology, recognizing that was a topic that was apparently a “sore” area for me.

“You have no idea who I am do you?”

It was his turn to stumble, but I was expecting it so it didn’t jostle me too much. “No, uh, should I?”

I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. It was refreshing actually. I shook my head.

“We’re going to go right in a few steps, then down twenty steps. Don’t laugh at me! Should I really know who you are? Nat likes to tease our friend Bruce about the fact that she gets to call you Bucky.”

He nudges me gently in the right direction and we made our way down the steps to the platforms. He helped me through the turnstiles and asked if I was headed up- or downtown. “I need to go downtown, but I can carry on by myself if you just set me in the right direction. Thank you, Steve.”

He turned us in the direction of the downtown trains and gently removed my hand from his arm. “It was my pleasure. I’ll meet you at your place at six right?”

I nodded and waved as I began walking away from him. I allowed him to consume my thoughts as I was bustled down to the platform by other passengers. My cane made no difference sometimes to those that surrounded me on a daily basis. Most times I was grateful for that notion.

Steve Rogers had a laugh that caused me to immediately be fond of. His voice didn’t have to carry far for me to hear, making him around my height, most likely taller. His arm felt muscular and if the description Natalia gave of him was any indication, the rest of him was just as muscular. However, it was the way he spoke that had my thoughts in disarray. He allowed his emotions to inflect themselves constantly. I knew through just our brief conversation to the platform when he was embarrassed, nervous, passionate, excited, cautious, honest, and so on.

I shook my head; I had to clear my thoughts. I had just met the man and here I was already distracted. I didn’t do distractions.


	2. -T-W-O-

Two trains and nine stops later I found myself entering into the building that houses my occupation. Remember those awards I mentioned? Well, I’ve earned every single last one of them. According to some, they were earned despite my disadvantage. I’ve known life no other way, so I know no disadvantage they supposedly speak of, but I am no idiot. I know many who treat me differently once they realize that I am blind.  
I used to go great lengths to conceal such a thing about myself from clients because while I could not see their apprehension and often slight disappointment, I could feel it. I can tell when someone enters a room I am in. I know others who can sense when another enters the room who have all five senses, however, since I lack one the others have all heightened to accommodate me for the better. 

I used to already be seated and tinkering on the piano whenever I’d have a first meeting with a client. For my day job though, I teach students at a rather well known university dedicated to the arts. I have since stopped caring if my students and assistants cared little for having a disabled instructor.   
If anything my disadvantage was a greater advantage. At least twenty-percent of all of my students go on to win awards of their own, honored positions in various orchestras or theaters all over the world. I have many tokens of their successes scattered around my apartment. 

By the time my students reach my one-on-one classes they have since learned that my ears will pick up on every fault in their pieces. I tell them I relish in their mistakes, it reminds me (and by default them) that we are all but mere humans and that is our shared disadvantage. We are all flawed with the desire to be perfect at something, especially those of us gifted with a talent.   
Natalia has sat in with me on occasion, whenever her schedule allows. She keeps herself busy with various occupations and I live vicariously through her. She tells me I’m pathetic for doing so, but she never fails to tell me stories about her adventures. 

This Steve fella strikes as someone who has never touched a musical instrument a day in his life. I know of the Banner he mentioned, and Natalia does mock him for being jealous of having a first-name-basis relationship with me. He had a relapse in his mental health a few years ago and took off to the other side of the world to regroup. He’s passed along words through Natalia that it was a lot of my own pieces that kept him calm and assisted in his self-growth and self-care. He’s a rather nice gentleman, very intelligent, and well-rounded in his accomplishments. I am of the lucky few who can call him a friend.

“Good morning Mr. Barnes!”

I smiled in the direction of my first lesson for the day.

“Good morning Alex, I trust you’ve practiced the measures I’ve requested?”

I heard the thump of her bag hitting the chair that sits by the door, and counted her thirteen steps as she crossed the room to sit beside me on the bench.

She knew the moment she was seated she was to begin. I nodded in approval as she began. We were thirty-six measures in when I told her to first start over; the sixth time I told her to start again she was four measures from the end. She was not told to restart the twelfth time she played for me. 

That’s how my day progressed, through five more students, one group lesson, and then I was on my way home. 

I enjoyed the evening bustle more than the morning rush on the subway. People were more lax, excited to go home, end their days how they saw fit. 

Sometimes they were even friendlier than they tended to be in the morning, but only sometimes.

I knew the moment I left the stairwell on my floor that something was off. Someone was taking up space, space they didn’t belong in. I made my way to my door, digging my key out of my left, front pocket. 

“Hi, it’s me, it’s Steve. I, I um don’t know if you remembered, but I’m covering for Nat and she’s here at six to help you out with whatever you need help with.”

I relaxed once I realized it was his body mass that had set off the feel of the hallway. I nodded as I approached him; he apparently thought waiting by my door was appropriate.

“How long have you been waiting?”

He let out a soft cough—he’s embarrassed.

“Not long.”

A lie I let slide as I passed him by unlocking my door and entering my apartment. I didn’t feel him immediately follow me in, which was good because upon immediate entrance I stop and place my cane in its spot, just as I remove my coat and hang it on the lone empty hanger. 

“Nat said that you’d be difficult for me.”

“She did, did she? How?”

He had followed me in now that I was moving further in, closing the door behind him.

“That no matter how many times I offered to help you that you’d just be an asshole and tell me to piss off and do it on your own.”

I chuckled, that sounded exactly like something Nat would say.

“She’s not wrong, but don’t stress over it. I’m stubborn, hence why she just makes herself at home while I unwind. If you’d like to feel useful you can order us dinner, choose from the three menus under the square magnet. I eat Chinese on Thursdays. Order yourself whatever you like; Natalia’s most likely marked my usual.”

I didn’t allow him to respond, but I heard him talking as I made my way to my bedroom. I began to remove my sweater, then unbutton my shirt and place both in my hamper. My pants could stay as I didn’t want to completely throw Mr. Rogers off guard. I turned to my dresser and felt for the third drawer down, nothing but t-shirts.

I stepped out and moved quietly to see if he had listened, he had. I could hear him talking on the phone. I then turned around the headed to the second bedroom in my place and sat down at the piano that was in the middle of the room. 

I sat down and began to play. 

This was how I unwound myself at the end of the day. Natalia tended to do some cleaning, or shopping for things she deemed I needed. 

I allowed myself to get lost in my music. I wasn’t playing any particular pieces, merely a mix-match of various ones. 

I was startled when I large, warm hand gently landed on my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry Mr. Barnes, I called your name a few times but you didn’t answer. Plus I, I didn’t want to disrupt you, it was, you, you play very well.”

“Was there a reason you interrupted me?”

I hadn’t meant to sound so cold, but it was effective, his hand immediately flew off my shoulder.

“I, uh, dinner, your food is here, and it’s 8 o’clock.”

“Eloquent as ever Mr. Rogers, thank you.”

I stood, knowing he was still directly behind me. I also knew that he had the type of personality that would never let me maneuver around the bench without him reaching out to touch me.

“Have you ever played the piano Mr. Rogers?”

“Uh no, and it’s Steve. Mr. Rogers makes me feel like I have to live up to that guy on television and I’m never going to measure up to that.”

I smiled; I did like his humor. I deliberately knocked my knees into the bench and just like clockwork I felt his hands on my arms, guiding me around the bench.

“Thank you Steve, I must have been distracted.”

I allowed him to lead me to my kitchen, he was taking me to the table, but I tended to eat at my counter where the bar stools sat.   
He guided me to a chair and had me sit.

“Your fork is at 3 o’clock, there’s a can of soda at 11 o’clock, napkins at your 12 o’clock, and obviously your container’s in the middle.”

I smiled as he told me my place setting and just before he lifted his hand to move away I reached up with my own and latched onto his wrist.

“Do you have plans Steve? Would you mind keeping me company for dinner?”

I could feel his pulse racing as I kept my fingertips pressed against the underside of his wrist. 

“No, uh, no I don’t have plans. Are you, are you sure I wouldn’t be imposing if I stayed?”

“Natalia often stays for Chinese, I also enjoy the conversation, and you strike me as a guy who’s got some things to say.”

“Sure, I, I mean yes. I, I’d like to join you for dinner Mr. Barnes, I mean Bucky.”

I let him go and listened as he gathered his containers and silverware and sat down across from me at my table.

Perhaps a distraction is just what I needed.


	3. 003

“Have you lived here long?”

“Born and raised in Brooklyn, you?”

“Same actually; did you attend college Mr. Rogers, sorry, Steve?”

I had caught him mid-bite, I could hear him mumble excuse me as he covered his mouth to finish chewing and swallowing.

“I uh, I studied art, I mean I have a degree in art. I draw, I like to draw. I sometimes paint.”

He was humble about his talent. His embarrassment inflicted in his tone told me that he wasn’t used to the praise he received.

“Starving artist then? I wouldn’t imagine a successful one hanging about with the likes of people like me.”

“Don’t, don’t do that, please. I, I know I started off on the wrong foot with you, but uh, Nat filled me in on just who you are, and I’ve got to say, you are one talented musician.”

I had momentarily offended him with my minute jab at myself. He didn’t know how to give compliments any more than he knew how to receive them.

“My apologies, but it was only a mere stab at myself, no harm done.”

“I’m actually very successful, one of my clients is Mr. Stark, and he keeps me busy with at least two commissions every quarter.”

“Mr. Stark is an intelligent fool. It’s his assistant, Ms. Potts that holds the honor of having taste in the arts.”

He halted mid-bite again.

“You, you’re familiar with Pepper?”

I smiled.

“Of course I am. A woman with her intellect and high regards for the arts doesn’t just focus her interest in a gallery Mr. Rogers; she’s seen me perform plenty of times. Some of them here in this apartment; she’s of the few who have an open door policy with me.”

“What’s that?”

“What’s what?”

I could practically feel the smirk that resided on his mouth.

“How does one acquire an open door policy then?”

Ah, embarrassed yet determined.

“They earn it, or if you’re anything like Natalia, you are self-entitled to one.”

He laughed. I immediately found myself wanting to hear it again.

“Do you always help other people Mr. Rogers?”

I hadn’t meant to speak so ineloquently, nor off topic, but I felt the sudden desire to know whether or not this was a sense of duty or done out of pity.

“I uh, I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand what you’re asking here.”

I put my fork down, not bothering to take care where it landed for once. I heard him do the same, only much more gently.

“Are you always such a good person? Are you a boy scout Mr. Rogers?”

“Have I said something to offend you Mr. Barnes? That wasn’t my intention and I’m sorry if I have. I like to think I’m a good person, and I was an Eagle Scout if you’re truly curious. However, I know what you mean, and I’ve been told that yes I am a bit much to take in sometimes with how apparently good of a person I am, but I won’t apologize for being myself.”

Oh thank God! That voice, that tone, him finally showing me his backbone isn’t just for others, but for himself too – he’s going to drive me insane.

“It is I who should apologize, I hadn’t meant to offend, nor upset you Steve. I merely wanted to gage your true intentions here.”

“Because when I’m not working on commissions worth thousands of dollars, I should be doing something else, like spending all that money on things I don’t need? Because I’d rather help people who are more genuine than any of my customers turn out to be? I can’t just want to help people like a generous human being?”

“I said I was sorry.”

He took a few deep breaths, he was calming himself down.

“I, it’s fine Bucky, it’s fine. You’re not my normal clientele, I generally sped my shifts over at the children’s hospital if I’m being honest. Nat asked me to do this specifically for her while she’s away.”

“Natalia gave me no warning about her temporary replacement. She merely said I had to be nice to you or she’d know and take it out on me.”

He chuckled – again, I found myself wanting to hear his noises again. I also wanted to know what other noises I could elicit from him.

“She did tell me not to treat you with kid gloves. At first I thought you were bullshitting me, or at the very least Nat was pulling my leg. When I first saw you I was struck with how beautiful you are, and I know I’m putting my foot in my mouth but hear me out. I thought you both were assholes and you were faking, but then I saw your mouth start to move, do you know you move your lips when you count steps? And why the hell do you not use your cane in the hall?”

I laughed. It sounded like an ugly bark compared to his laughter earlier.

“I was born without sight Steve. Natalia should’ve told you, or you should’ve read my file. You have access to it as her sub. By the way I am an asshole, that’s just part of my charm. May I ask something of you?”

“Uh sure, go ahead.”

“May I admire your own beauty?”

“Sure.”

I listened as he hesitantly got to his feet and maneuvered to where I was sitting. I move myself, pushing my chair back and turning to face him. I felt him kneel on the floor before me and one of his hands gently grasp my wrist and guide it to his cheek.

He was not clean shaven, he had facial hair. I traced its path, noting it’s actually a beard. He keeps it well trimmed and shaped. It stops just below his cheekbones, allowing them to show on their own.

I trace his nose, feeling along its bridge, noting the distinct knot where cartilage and bone meet. I spare a fleeting touch to his nostrils before tracing each eyebrow. I feel his lashes flutter beneath my fingertips as he closes his eyes.

“What color?”

“Blue.”

It’s no more than a whisper that flutters across my wrists. I feel along his brow, feeling the slight wrinkles that plague everyone’s forehead.

“Do you have any freckles?”

He smiled and nodded. I let my fingers trail downwards, finding dimples hidden beneath his facial hair.

“You have dimples! Why do you hide them with that scruff?”

“They’re not hidden if you found them, and yes, I have some freckles here and there, nothing like a splattering over my entire face, but enough to be noticed.”

I take my hands away and place them in my lap; he doesn’t move to get up yet. I’m not sure if I mind him in my personal space like this.

“You’re gorgeous.”

He laughs as he stands.


	4. 004

I groan into my pillow as my alarm goes off. I know it’s my own fault. It really is. I didn’t have to stay up trying to perfect the strand of notes that began to piece themselves together in my mind mere moments after Steve left last night.

What a night too! I meant it when I called him gorgeous. I bet he’s the All-American, boy-next-door type. We talked about our childhoods more, and I think at one point in our lives we lived in the same apartment building.

Probably more wishful thinking on my part; he asked if he could draw me playing one time.

I’m calling this piece _Cobalt Decent_. Of course it’s about him! I feel like such a fool for having this immediate rise in emotions, especially towards a man I’ve only just met.

I let him remove my glasses. Not even Natalia has seen my naked face, and there are mornings I’m not sure how she gets in without my notice.

He said my sightless eyes reminded him of storm clouds. I think I remember blushing, and let me assure you that I blush from my head to my navel. At least that’s what it felt like, an immediate rush of burning that started at the tips of my ears and spread quickly from there.

Alright Barnes, get yourself together, you’re an adult! A grown man! You’re going to be late if you keep allowing your thoughts to consume your morning routine.

I let out a deep breath and climb out of bed. I already knew that I didn’t have time for a shower, but I can get away with taking one later. Besides, I don’t think I could handle being around Steve this morning. I even took the elevator down.

An hour later I found myself in the smaller auditorium used for student showcases. I always gave them three days prior to the event to practice in the performance space.

I allowed my first student to guide me through the room. It was the one place within the school that was never promised to remain the same. Well, at least the areas in which I frequented.

“Are you alright Mr. Barnes?”

I felt myself frown before shaking my head.

“Why do you ask?”

“Are you getting sick? You’re looking a little flushed.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

“No, I’m merely being a twelve year old girl about a boy. I appreciate the concern, thank you Sam. Now, let’s begin.”

He left my side to move a chair closer to the piano bench.

“It’s going to be roughly twelve, or thirteen steps to the piano from here, that a good distance?”

I nodded and lowered myself into the chair.

“Thank you. This isn’t your first showcase Sam, but it is your first with me as your instructor. You’re very talented and I am going to push you harder in these next three days than I have all semester. If you make a mistake this morning, I will not have you start over like I’ve been doing. You will play as if this room is full of your friends, faculty, and family members. Most importantly, I want you to play as the talented young man that you are. Show off that talent, it’s what the student showcases do. Begin.”

He immediately began. He’s a fan of Tchaikovsky and chose a piece that encompasses a handful of his piano compositions – Capriccio, Dumka, Les Saisons, Piano Sonata No. 2, and ending with a variation of Nocturne. It’s a beautiful compilation.

Each student is allotted up to fifteen minutes, and if he plays perfectly, he’ll clock just below twelve minutes. He’s been having issues with the transition from Les Saisons into Piano Sonata No. 2.

“Stop!”

“I’m sorry Sam, I know I said I wouldn’t interrupt, but I need you to do something for me. You’re stiff. You need to let lose. Stand up for a moment, please.”

I heard him move.

“Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Good. Stretch your arms high as possible up above your head, and then slowly reach down to your toes. Don’t worry about looking like a fool, I can’t see you remember.”

He let out a slight chuckle.

“Stand back up slowly, feel each vertebra align into place. Good. Now sit back down and start from Les Saisons and play through to the end. I cannot cure your stage fright, but I can give you ways to cope with it.”

“Thanks, sir.”

I nodded and he positioned himself back at the piano and began playing.

He and I got through two more times of his entire piece before his session was up.

My day at campus continued like this until it was time for me to head home.

I couldn’t actively avoid Steve. That’s completely unfair to him. I could also be reading him all wrong. Maybe he is just that nice of a fella. Oh god, what if he asked Natalia if I had ever touched her face? Or if she’s ever seen me without my glasses?

I hung my head in shame. You’re a grown man James Buchanan Barnes, act like one!

I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders and headed home.

On the trains I listened to the chatter that surrounded me – I couldn’t people watch – and took in all the break ups, the embarrassing stories being shared between teenagers, phone calls that shouldn’t be happening in public, and apparently what some considered epic conquests.

I listened as the soles of various types of shoes sounded against the pavement as people walked in a hurried flourish, or touristy leisured pace. I heard the occasional burst of child’s laughter – I always smiled at the sound.

Once inside the doorway to my complex I was immediately overcome with the sound of silence. Or as close to silence can get in an apartment complex in the city.

I counted the fifteen steps to the stairwell entrance and began my ascension to my floor.

Rationally I knew I had beaten Steve to my apartment today, but there was a small part of me that wanted him to be waiting for me.

He wasn’t there. I tried not to be a little disappointed about it.

I let myself in and went through the motions as is my daily routine. I was in the midst of starting a pot of coffee when there was a knock on the door. I yelled that it was open.   
  
“Good evening Mr. Barnes.”

“Good evening. How was your day?”

I listened as he removed his jacket and hung it up and begin moving through the apartment. He hesitated in the archway from the living room into the kitchen.

I could feel his eyes on me. It was a heated gaze. I felt myself blushing.

“Steve, can I, can I be frank with you?”

He didn’t move closer.

“Am I doing something wrong? Did I move something and not put it back the way you had it?”

I shook my head. He was so concerned that he’s messing up my environment – good lord Barnes, get your head out of your ass, he’s just being nice, humoring the invalid, nothing more.

“No, no, you’ve been doing great. I, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to request someone else though. At least until Natalia returns, I’m sorry. I’ll make sure you get paid for today, in full.”

I couldn’t have sounded any more pathetic than I did just now. I hadn’t even turned around the face him. Instead I chose to fiddle with my coffee mug.

“Does, does this have to do with last night?”

He had moved closer and I wasn’t even aware. I hadn’t even heard him move.

I nodded. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“Can you at least face me while you blow me off?”

I set my mug down and turned around. He wasn’t pressed close, but he was in my personal space. The man was like a furnace, his body heat was radiating off him in waves. It was oddly comforting.

“Bucky, I, I’ve never sat down and had dinner with a client before, and I don’t just let anyone touch me. Let alone allow myself to be that vulnerable in front of another person, not even my closest friends.”

“This is inappropriate conversation during work hours.”

That’s the biggest load of bologna I’ve ever said in my life – ever.

“Good thing you terminated our contract a few moments ago then, unless you take it back?”

I turned my face away from his direction and frowned.

“Steve, I, it’s been one day! I shouldn’t be this enamored, infatuated, whatever you want to call what’s turned me into a twelve year old girl, after one day! I’ve never just opened up like that to anyone. I’ve never felt immediately comfortable in someone’s presence before. I could go on but I’m only just going embarrass myself if I do.”

He was silently laughing.

“Bucky, do you know how much I had to convince myself to come back today and not just have them send somebody else? You’re not alone here in feeling like a fool about what emotions are wrecking havoc. When I, when I knelt down in front of you so you could see me, and we paused, I wanted nothing more than push myself up and forward and press my mouth against yours. I wanted to devour you last night, and while we’re being stupidly honest, I still do.”

I bit my lip.

“I think you need to go.”

“I tell you I reciprocate your feelings and you tell me to leave? Are you, are you serious?”

I nodded and turned my back to him, once again fiddling with my mug.

I’m not sure how long he stood behind me; I felt his eyes on me though.

“It was nice to meet you Mr. Barnes.”

He turned and left with the quietest close of my apartment door I’d ever heard.

I retreated into my piano room.

I hadn’t realized I spent the entire night in their until my apartment door flung open and slammed closed. I knew those footsteps racing through my apartment and heading directly towards where she knew I’d be.

“What the hell did you do?”


	5. 005

“I see you’re back in town Natalia.”

If she were the kind of woman who rolled her eyes, I know without doubt that she’d have just rolled her eyes. Since she’s not one of those women, she’s undoubtedly glaring at me. I can feel the intensity of her disproval.

“I am ashamed in myself for ever thinking that you could never be so foolish. Not very many people prove me wrong James Barnes.”

I knew exactly what she meant now.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She scoffed. I take it that’s a big deal for her.

“I don’t have very many friends James, but Steve, Steve is one that would be considered a best friend. Need I remind you that I will gladly come back while you are sleeping and rearrange everything in your apartment? You won’t hear me do it either.”

We both knew that she was slightly serious about moving things around on me. She used to do it to help me figure out where things are. I sighed and slumped my shoulders.

“I will apologize. I just, I can’t afford any d—“

“If the next word out of your mouth is distractions, so help you James Barnes, so help you.”

I had hurt her.

I had hurt her by hurting Steve. If she had few friends, I had even less. I remained silent.

“You aren’t the only one to blame here. I’m going to Steve’s after I leave here. He’s getting the same treatment, and he won’t see me coming either. I asked him to help you because I thought that you two would be good for each other. I wasn’t playing matchmaker, I was helping friends make more friends, lord knows you could use more of them.”

I could feel her standing a few paces behind me. She’d want to comfort me, possibly place a hand on my shoulder, but she’s not the touchy feely kind.

“Bring him with you on Thursday. We can have dinner together. I’ll even wait until you all are off the clock.”

I’m fairly certain that she nodded her approval of my rather horrible solution. Who am I kidding, she was playing matchmaker regardless if she realized it or not. Steve is, well, he would be a most welcomed distraction. Natalia is correct, I should stop hiding behind my music.

Here’s where I would say it’s also due to my vision impairment, however, I have never allowed another person to use that against me. I had a lover once; they tried to hold it over me. At first I thought it was romantic how catering and nurturing they were, but then I found it to be humiliating and degrading.

“Get out of your head.”

I had forgotten than she hadn’t actually left me alone.

“My apologies, Natalia.”

I heard her sigh and move closer.

“Play my song, that’s how you can start to make up to me.”

I nodded, “As you wish, my lady.”

I began to play her waltz. It was an original, and I’ve come to learn that it is the favorite piece from her friend Dr. Banner. He is of the few that have realized she is the “Black Widow” whom I reference in its title.

“Bring Dr. Banner with you, if you’d like, on Thursday.”

I could feel her gaze burning into the side of my head. I was doing my best to refrain from grinning. I had touched a nerve—finally!

“My personal life is of no concern to you, Mr. Barnes. Besides, Dr. Banner is out of the country. He’s consulting with an old colleague of his in New Zealand.”

“That’s a lot of information to someone that should be of little concern to me.”

She shoved me. Not hard enough to ruin the playing of her piece, but enough to get her point across.

My personal life was hers to do whatever she fancied, we both agreed to that. However, if I was a private person, who has hermit like tendencies, one would be hard pressed to find terms to describe Natalia’s life. I finished her piece and without thinking started playing the piece I had started for Steve.

I kept it up, I continued on until I got to the point where I am now with it. I gently removed my fingers from the keys and placed them in my lap.

Her silence bothered me for once.

“It’s very hopeful, and I want it to have a happy ending. I want to feel that joy, that burst of emotion when you fall in love for the first time, or all over again. Don’t disappoint me James Barnes.”

“I’ll do my best to keep my word. Are you heading home for the day?”

I felt the faintest of touches to my shoulder—I knew she couldn’t resist.


	6. -S-I-X-

I was never fond of taking showers. It’s for the stupidest of reasons too. I have to keep my eyes closed once I begin washing my hair. See, just because I can’t, doesn’t mean I’m the kind of vision impaired were I lack eyeballs. I’ve got ‘em, they just don’t work properly, but anything not kid soap, and it stings like it’s the reason I can’t see in the first place.

I might sound a little petulant, but I’m also sulking because I’m being a giant 12-year-old-school-girl about the fact that Steve did in fact _not_ come with Natalia for dinner last week. My pride was wounded, and my ego is to blame. Natalia has told me, repeatedly, that I am the biggest idiot she knows. Steve is the second, so I still feel ridiculous.

My water had gone cold too. I’ve missed the early train.

I really hate that another person has this kind of power over me.

I turn the water off and reach out for my towel. There’s always one on the hook right outside of the door.

In the midst of getting dressed I hear a knock on my door. I am not expecting anyone, especially not after I’m supposed to already be gone for the day.

I deliberately leave my glasses off and my shirt unbuttoned—slacks are always last. The latter mostly because if I start and stop I tend to miss, and I hate having to restart.

“I know you’re there, finish getting dressed. I forgot my key.”

I opened the door anyway.

“How do you, of all people, forget your key?”

She pushed her way into the apartment with a huff.

“I revoke your status of biggest idiot and give it to Steve.”

I froze. She hadn’t mentioned him since last Thursday when she showed up without him.

“He’s the one that told me you weren’t on the early train. His best friend has a recital this afternoon and gave him a ticket. I told him that you were most likely going to be there and that’s when he told me you weren’t on the train.”

I finished buttoning my shirt and returned to my room to finish getting dressed. I know that she’s looking for a response to that, but I don’t have one. As much as I would love to rebuttal with an I-don’t-care, we’d both know I’d be lying.

“Look Bucky, I am…I haven’t heard you play in three days.”

That’s the closest I will ever get to hearing I’m sorry from her.

“Want to come with me today, and help me evaluate my students? I know it’s not me playing, but you’ll get to hear my influence on others and how they play.”

“I’ll walk you, we’ll get there faster. Thanks.”

When Natalia walked me, she really did walk me. She would fold up my cane and offer me her arm. She made sure everything would be turned off and my door locked before we left. She also took me routes I’d never been before all because she knew we’d get there quicker.

I don’t know what station we went to but it was further than my usual count of steps. She moves to quickly for me to keep count, but I trust her, and she knows this. She’s yet to betray that.

The train isn’t as crowded either, for that I am grateful. Instead of my usual stops, it only takes us three before we’re departing and returning above ground.

I listen as we leave the stairs leading up to the sidewalk. She gives me a moment to gather myself.

“We’re on the far side of campus. It’s a nice morning, you could also do with the fresh air. I have your glasses in my pocket, do you need them?”

I hadn’t realized I’d gone so far without them. I shook my head, I could keep going.

I heard a few students greet me in passing. I either nodded or said a quick good morning. I could hear it in the way they greeted me they were concerned. This is the first any of them have seen me without my sunglasses or my cane.

We made it to the auditorium specifically for recitals. No one else was in there as the room was completely silent, except for our movements. The acoustics of the room are why recitals for our musicians were always held in here.

I was the only professor who didn’t allow my students to practice for their recital within its confines. I wanted them to be able to rely on their own devices, not the assistance of a room, to point out their mishaps. Very few of my students messed up on the days of their recitals.

“We’re early, and alone, you can play for me now. The bench is ten steps directly in front of you.”

She left me and took a seat. I counted to ten as I moved forward. I sat myself down and ran my fingers along the keys feeling for the raised bumps that marked the middle C. Every piano on campus has them for my sake.

I started with her song.

“No. Not this one.”

Her tone told me which song she wanted to hear. I inwardly was so angry. How dare she make me play something so emotional right before a day of me straining my ears! How dare she want me to have to go through these feelings when I don’t even know what half of them are!

I let out a deep sigh, just to show her my annoyance, and began to play.

I played the first time I met him. He was nervous in the hallway, and had been pacing awaiting my arrival to the door. His kindness was evident from the start.

I played our walk to the subway. Carefree and light. Two things I hadn’t been in a long time. We were comfortable in each others' presence.

I played the night I asked him to stay for dinner.

I played my vulnerability at allowing him to see me.

I played my vulnerability in reaching out and seeing him for the first time.

I played that moment of being in each others' space.

I played the almost kiss I’m sure would’ve happened.

I played the combination of joy and terror at being so close to someone.

I played the intimacy of our mutual vulnerability in that moment. He truly is a genuinely good person.

I played the next day. The ending of everything. My anger at myself for allowing a distraction—I knew him for one day. My selfishness in sending him away.

I played the hope of him coming to that Thursday dinner.

I played the sadness of him not showing up.

I played the loneliness of my self-inflicted isolation thereafter.

I hadn’t realized that while I was playing people began to filter in and take seats. It wasn’t until I held the last note and released the keys that I realized others than Natalia had just heard my emotions as they begun to clap.

“Mr. Barnes, what is the title of that piece? It was truly gut wrenchingly beautiful.”

I stood quickly and did a small, stiff bow. I turned towards the direction of the voice of our department head and answered.

“Cobalt Decent. It’s an original piece of my own creation. I apologize for taking up time of the recital.”

“Nonsense, anyone lucky enough to be here early and hear you play, it’s an honor to witness your talent in person Mr. Barnes. Thank you for granting us this privilege, if it was unwilling.”

I nodded and before I could call out for Natalia, I felt her hand on my arm. She guided me to a chair and we took our seats.

I’m not sure if people attempted to approach us, but no one got close.

I felt her lean in.

“He’s here.”

I closed my eyes.

“Did he hear any of it?”

I felt her hand on my forearm and give a small squeeze.

“He heard the last half.”

I nodded and opened my eyes.


	7. 007

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little short.   
> A lot filler-ish.

Even during the brief intermission, Natalia stayed close by my side. A few parents were bold enough to approach us, and thank me for the unwilling performance.

I heard an older woman hushing a young man heading towards us. I caught the tail end of a plea for changing directions.

“Mr. Barnes, I apologize for the intrusion, I don’t get out much, but I couldn’t miss my baby’s recital. I don’t have enough eloquent words in my vocabulary so I’ll just speak from the heart.”

I nodded, it’s all I could do.                                      

“I’m Sam’s grandmother. I’ve raised that boy since his momma ran off when he was six. I could never afford a piano, not a proper one mind you, but I made sure he found something to discipline himself with. He wasn’t going to be one of those hoodlums that roam our neighborhood. He was going to be better than his circumstances if I had anything to do with it.”

I felt Natalia stiffen as another set of footsteps approached.

“When he got into this school, on a full scholarship, I cannot tell you how happy I was for him. When he told me the day he first took your class, that you took no nonsense, and you had very high expectations of your students, I was thrilled. Then he brought home one of your albums.”

I felt myself stiffen. I was nervous.

“You are a gift, and I honestly don’t think those that showed up early today understand just how lucky they are to have heard you play live. I couldn’t hear that song you played and not give you some love. I’m sorry for whoever broke your heart like that, they must truly be the biggest idiot. There was so much happiness and hope in the beginning; that kind of thing just doesn’t happen. I’ll get out of your hair, but you take care of yourself, you hear me young man?”

I heard her move away as I nodded dumbly.

“Uh, I’m sorry about her, I tried to keep her away.”

I turned towards Sam’s voice and shrugged.

“It’s okay Sam, sometimes I forget people have families. That sounds a lot worse than I meant it to. Ahem, let’s, uh, are you ready?”

“Of course. I haven’t been nervous at all today, which is surprising, but I’ve taken everything you’ve taught me to heart. I know I’m good at what I do. Plus I’ve got my grandma and best friend here for support, so that helps. Oh, Mr. Barnes, this is Steve, Steve, this is Mr. Barnes.”

I waved. Natalia squeezed my arm.

“Excuse us gentlemen, the lights are signaling for us to return to our seats.”

She quickly turned us around and moved us back to our seats.

“You realized that was _Steve_ , right?”

I raised my eyebrow.

“Of course, I’m not that big of an idiot, despite your constant claims. I was being civil. Sam doesn’t know of whom I wrote that song for. I doubt Steve has told him that it’s about him, _if_ he even knows it’s about _himself_.”

She sighed, and I’m fairly certain she rolled her eyes too.

The department head announced Sam as one of our next performers. He was one of the last six.

I cleared my throat, signaling to her that I was done conversing about life matters. I had to put my professor hat back on.

I had no idea who the first two performers were, a cellist, and then a vocalist. Sam was next. Pity he was smack dab in the middle. However, I had the utmost faith that he would have one of the best performances this evening.

I could feel myself tense at the various transitions he had issues with during our practices. It was for nothing though, he seamlessly transitioned from one piece to another. I don’t like to play favorites, but I did stand for his ovation.


	8. 008

I dropped a glass last night.

I dropped a glass in the middle of my kitchen.

I haven’t panicked like that since the first night I spent in my very _first_ apartment.

Logically I knew that Natalia kept a small dustpan with a brush under my sink – the cabinets with knotted bars. I also knew that the larger broom she would sometimes use was in the pantry, hanging on the door – the third from the left.

I knew all of that. I _knew_ it.

But I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t breathe.

I felt my heart start to race.

I felt my face and neck and chest begin to flush.

My fingers started to curl and uncurl, making fists over and over again.

I started to hum Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

I stood there for hours.

I am always barefoot when I am home.

The first words Natalia said to me when she arrived and found me still rooted in the middle of my kitchen floor were, “James Barnes, get out of your head. Eight steps to your left is your pantry door. The third hanging handle is your broom. If you get that far, I will clean this up for you.”

I still couldn’t move.

I felt her move around me.

I heard all the little dinks and jingles as broken pieces of glass moved across my floor, clumping together, and then finally as they were swept up into a dustpan to be disposed of.

What finally broke me out of my headspace was her soft touch to my shoulder.

Natalia doesn’t touch me often. In fact it’s something she doesn’t do a lot with anyone.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, James.”

She turned me in the direction of my living room and left me to my own devices. I counted out ten steps and felt for the armrest of my couch.

I sat and listened.

I listened to her bustling around my kitchen, most likely gathering up breakfast supplies – she always knew just what to make me on the mornings she’d find me rooted somewhere.

I listened as the coffee maker began making another batch. That rich aroma filled my apartment and started to soothe my anxiety.

I listened as cabinets opened and closed, and the gathering of plates and bowls.

I heard her place three plates and three bowls on the table.

I listened as she gathered up eating utensils – three sets.

“Is someone joining us for breakfast?”

I heard her snort, though she’d deny she ever made such a noise.

“Doctor Banner is in town. He wanted to make up missing dinner a few weeks ago. I told him to bring us breakfast. He makes amazing pancakes.”

“What’s his secret ingredient? My ma used to add diary cream and vanilla extract to hers.”

“I haven’t figured it out yet.”

I smiled – a genuine one.

“I’m happy for you.”

“Shut up.”

A knock on the door interrupted us.

I heard her rush to the door, patting herself down on the way. Though I’ve never seen her, I’m fairly certain that Natalia always looked put together.

I stood from my seat and turned towards the entryway. I allowed them to have a small moment. They were greeting each other in small, hushed voices.

If I was adamant that another human being was a distraction, I’m not sure what comes after that, but that would explain how both Natalia and Doctor Banner are when it comes to relationships.

However, they suit each other. I could imagine that at first glance they wouldn’t seem like they would be a match for each other. They differ in a lot of opinions on important matters, but the respect they have for each other is astounding. They annoy each other constantly, and always seem to be arguing – not fighting, there’s a difference – but it only seems to pull them closer. They just seem to have developed an understanding of each other.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of what they have. In fact, I’m jealous of quite a few of my friends and their rather healthy relationships.

Here in this moment, especially given the night I had, I can admit it to myself, that I am lonely. Don’t confuse that with being alone, I do quite enjoy my solitude, but sometimes, it would be nice to be able to turn or shout to someone else who can gain amusement at my little bursts of song writing. Or when something amuses me and I just want to share it with another person.

“Hello James, I hope you like pancakes. I would’ve come for dinner, but Natalia made plans for us and insisted that we start the day with a proper meal.”

I nodded in his direction.

“Good morning, Doctor Banner. I hope your travels were well and good for everyone involved.”

“It was. We set up another hospital wing and were able to bring a multitude of needed supplies, all were donated. The rapid rate in which some medical machinery develops and evolves, most people don’t realize that in a third world country, even a model that’s only a decade old to us is crucial to some places that have gone without anything. Nat says she attended the recital with you, how did that go?”

“He stood for only one ovation. His favorite.”

I scoffed as I followed them into the dining room.

Doctor Banner laughed.

Breakfast was a nice affair. Natalia was correct, Doctor Banner’s pancakes were divine. I too had trouble distinguishing his secret ingredient. I did taste a hint of vanilla, a touch of red pepper, and what I’m pretty sure is chili powder. Whatever it is, it was a delicious combination of flavors and my mouth appreciated it.

We discussed a myriad of topics over breakfast, it was quite refreshing. Doctor Banner, who insisted that I call him Bruce, so I insisted on him calling me Bucky, is a good man. He’s not afraid to be outspoken when the need arises, but also knows when to disappear and become invisible. His sense of humor is grand. I can see what Natalia sees in him.

I hadn’t even known that it was after 10am until Natalia was bidding me farewell for her afternoon clients.

I offered my thanks as they both said their goodbyes and closed up my apartment behind them.

I hadn’t gotten a single phone call about my absence from campus this morning. She must have done something on my behalf.

I could use the personal day.

I counted the steps to my bedroom and plopped, rather ungracefully, onto my bed.

I could use a nap.

I could also use some fresh air.

The nap won.


	9. N-I-N-E

Knocking woke me up.

Whoever it is, they’re rather impatient.

Once I got to the door and opened it, silence. I know that someone is there, I can feel their presence.

They’re not breathing, or rather, they’re holding their breath.

“Steve?”

I don’t know why I said his name. Perhaps it’s wishful thinking on my part.

I hear them exhale.

“I’m sorry.”

It is Steve.

I feel my brows furrow.

I want to reach out for him, but I don’t. I’m desperate, but I have my pride.

“Why are you here?”

He’s shifting his weight from foot to foot. I hear him scratch at the base of his neck. He’s nervous. Good.

“It’s been weeks, Steve. I’m not some delicate, little flower who needs an, uh, look, I, do you want to come in?”

He stuttered out a yes, please, and followed me inside. I pointed to the couch, and I continued to the kitchen. If I’m going to talk to him, I’m going to need coffee.

I heard him sit down and I fiddled with the coffee maker and my mug. I suppose I should be hospitable and get him one too.

I go through the motions of making my cup, and I caught myself as I made my way to the living room, that I had made his coffee to his specifications. I hate myself right now. Mostly for still being a twelve year old girl about him.

“Thanks, Buck.”

I felt myself tense as I sat across the couch from him.

I had no idea what to say to him.

I mean I had plenty to say to him these last few weeks, especially that stupid night where he refused to show up and I was grateful that Bruce couldn’t make it. Oh my word, I really am a twelve year old girl.

I was angry at him, but angrier at myself for allowing myself to react like I did that night. Then to have the kind of night I did last night, and all over the fool at the other end of my couch. How do people allow someone to have this kind of power over them? I don’t like it.

“James, I, Sam’s grandma told me that the song we heard you playing was about someone you…you had feelings for.”

I could only nod. I didn’t trust my mouth not to spit out nonsense.

“Sam told me that you were different the first few practices after the showcase, and even he said he’s never seen someone look so hurt.”

I felt my face flush, mostly in embarrassment. Partly in shame; I hated showing emotion so easily for others to read.

“I never meant to hurt you, not like that. I should’ve come back that night you offered, but I, I couldn’t get over my pride. You outright rejected me, to my face, and instead of jumping at the chance to make it up to you, I left you hanging.”

I felt my breath catch on the inside. You know how it feels like your breaths stutter a moment when you’re shocked rather unexpectedly? Well it felt like that.

He wanted to come with Natalia that night.

“Bucky, I, I know who you are now. Sam laughed at me, when it finally clicked that you are the James Buchanan Barnes who has won the _Frederic Chopin International Piano Competition_ , at 19. As well as _Tchaikovsky International Music Competition in Moscow_ , just last year, and placing third at the _Marguerite Long and Jacques Thibaud International Competition in Paris_.

You couldn’t tell me you were some world renowned pianist? I felt like the biggest idiot. I never understood why Sam was so elated when you chose him for your courses, or even when he found out you took up a position at school.”

“So you looked me up?”

He laughed.

“I didn’t have to. Between Nat, and Sam, I had your whole musical career laid out. _The Bach International Competition in Leipzig_ , at 20, and even the _Maria Canals International Music Competition_ , dude that’s in Barcelona. You’ve been all over the world, and you terrified me the first time I ever met you because you chose to forgo using the elevator.”

I couldn’t stop the smile that erupted on my face.

“If you paid attention, you’d see the awards around my apartment. Natalia says they’re very decorative. I wouldn’t know. I like the recognition of my talent, but to have to attend the award ceremonies, it’s a bit of a moot point for me. I can’t see anything, and it’s always awkward when they hold it out to me as I approach the stands.”

I heard him stand and move around. I suppose to look at the various awards I’ve won.

I counted his seven steps to the wall by the windows, which I only know are there because Natalia told me so.

“You have a _Gilmore_. Buck, that’s incredible! Sam told me how impressive that one is.”

I could feel my ears burning. I am fairly certain that I am flushed to my navel; his praise came from all over my apartment.

“Can you stop, please?”

I heard him come from down the hall.

“Learn to take a compliment, Mr. Barnes. From what I’ve heard of your stuff, you deserve a lot more than the accolades you’ve got adorning your walls.”

I turned towards his voice; he was behind the couch, to my right.

“Can I hear it in its entirety? Nat said not to let you tell me that you don’t play for people because you play her songs all the time.”

That was a very Natalia thing to say.

I could only nod.

I was nervous.

I could feel slight tremors in my hands as I stood and counted the twenty-nine steps it would take me to get to my piano stool from the couch.

By the time I sat down, my hands were in fists and I realized that I had let my coffee grow cold. I had wasted an entire mug because of him.

I felt his warmth before I felt his hand on my shoulder.

“If it’s too much, I’m sorry. I, I’m really bad at this.”

I scoffed.

I was worse.

“I, it’s fine. Can you take a seat on the chaise by the window?”

I listened as he took twelve steps and sat down.

I took a deep breath and flexed my hands a few times.

I could feel my heart racing, and my chest tighten.

I closed my eyes and began to play.

I played the first time we met; tentative, curious, and amused.

I played our walk to the subway; carefree, light, with a hint of being comfortable.

I played the night we shared dinner; apprehensive, enthusiastic, vulnerable, elated, and nervous.

I played our hands touching each other’s faces; soft, gentle, tentative, vulnerable, open— _seen_.

I played the closeness of him kneeling between my legs; the almost kiss that I now know would’ve happened.

I played how terrified I was that someone was able to be so close so fast; it was intimate.

I played the next day; the end.

I played the anger I felt at myself. I always push people away.

I played the hope, and then the loss of that hope when he never showed up that Thursday.

I played the sadness; that self-imposed isolation afterwards.

I played the break down that I had last night; the lightness of hearing his voice earlier.

I played so much hope; I only stopped because I felt his arms encircle me from behind and his lips press a kiss against my forehead.

I felt myself involuntarily turn towards his mouth, searching him out.

I felt, rather than listened, to him shift around me, sit beside me on the bench and pull me closer.

I felt his hands cup my cheeks, his thumbs brush softly along my cheekbones; my heart was still racing.

I was a starved man the moment our lips touched.


	10. 010

My senses were going into overdrive.

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed—is this how people feel all the time?

Another person has this capability over another?

He’s shaved since the last I saw him, but he’s got a nice bit of stubble to scratch up my face. It feels _amazing_.

His hands moved south, grasping onto my waist like I was the only thing holding him to the ground.

My own were tangled in his shirt, stuck between us.

I pulled away, my chest heaving, trying to catch a breath I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to. Not now. Not after that.

“Buck, I, I apologize if that was out of line, but I’m not sorry that I did it.”

I felt myself smiling against my will.

I could only nod.

I couldn’t find words to articulate how that felt—how _I_ felt.

“Would you like to have lunch with me today?”

“Are you asking me out on a date, Mr. Rogers?”

I felt more than heard him chuckle.

“I think it’s only fitting; I like you and you like me.”

“Oh, you think this is more than just physical attraction?”

I couldn’t help but grin like a fool.

I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth!

“You can’t even _see_ my physique to make that call!”

“That’s a low blow, Steve.”

We both laughed—it felt _nice_.

“But, I’d love to have lunch with you today. What did you have in mind?”

“There’s a place over in Brooklyn, if you don’t mind a little hike. I’m craving pizza.”

I felt my head tilt—like a puppy.

“Pizza? You’re so romantic.”

“I’ll have you know that pizza is one of my go-to date foods. The toppings a person puts on their pie says a lot about who they are.”

I felt my brow rise on its own accord.

“People who put pineapple on their pizza are heathens, so I guess you’re on to something.”

He laughed; I count that as a point in my favor.

“I agree, fruit does not belong on pizza, unless it is strictly a dessert pie.”

I’ve just realized that during our entire conversation we’ve stayed pretty much entangled with each other. His arms are still around me. Our sides are still pressed together since we’re still on my piano bench—thank god it’s cushioned.

His phone chirped, an alarm of sorts. He sighed as he removed his right arm from around my front.

I listened as he dug it out of his pocket and swiped a few times.

My watch beeped and announced it was one o’clock. He had to go.

“That’s for my hospital rounds.”

“Thank you for this. It was nice.”

He startled me as he pecked my cheek, and I felt myself flush.

“I really enjoyed myself, so thank you as well. Is, uh, six-thirty a good time for you?”

I smiled, then nodded.

“I’ll walk you to the door.”

“I think you just want an excuse to kiss me goodbye.”

“Not my intention at all, but if you’re offering, I won’t deny you.”

We both laughed.

We got up, and he offered me his arm. I took it even though I don’t need it.

I subconsciously counted the forty-five steps to the door.

“Well, this is me. I had a very nice morning, Mr. Barnes. Thank you.”

I smiled. I really do like his humor.

“I’ll see you at six-thirty. Have fun with the children. And I too, enjoyed myself.”

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

He gently curled his hands around my head, letting his thumbs caress my jaw line.  I let him guide me to him, and the moment our lips touched, I pressed further even more. My hands clutched at his shirt. We let the kiss end on its own.

“I’ll see you later, Buck. Enjoy your afternoon.”

He kissed my cheek before letting go and slipping through the door.

I could feel myself smiling like a school girl with a crush as I shut the door, leaning on it just to add to my stupid, girlish notions of romance.

I could do this. I could let him in—at least I hoped. It’s been so long—no, don’t go there with my thoughts. Steve is new. Steve is genuinely good, even if he is a little shit, he’s still a good man.

I had roughly five hours and some change to get myself ready for our date—what the hell am I going to wear?


	11. Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to preface this chapter with a huge I'M SORRY for taking ages to update.  
> I'm also going to follow up that huge I'M SORRY with the fact that this chapter is filler. It's garbage, and it's me getting back into the swing of this story. I'm really sorry that y'all have to read this just to get to their date.
> 
> I've had a lot going on between school, and mostly personal stuff. I got married in June! Wedding planning took up a huge chunk of time once it got closer to the big shindig. We had to put my family's dog down a few weeks ago. He'd had a stroke and begun to rapidly deteriorate physically. My sister's brother-in-law committed suicide two weeks ago. We're still learning more about the circumstances, and it's just a big mess. And I learned today, that one of my young cousins was admitted to a treatment center for anorexia. He's only 14. My heart hurts for him.
> 
> (If there are any mistakes, please let me know!)
> 
> [I also used google translator fro the tiny line of Russian. Спасибо, что потратил много времени=Thank you for wasting so much of my time.]

“By all means, keep going, this is so entertaining for me!”

I threw a shoe at Natalia.

She surprised me on her lunch break today, which translated into Dr. Banner having lunch plans with his friend, so she had to fend for herself.

“I’m not going to help you find that.”

“I’d think little of you if you did.”

I would throw one of the shoes I had planned on wearing this evening at her. I knew of the general direction it went, and hear its thud as it landed, but I couldn’t tell you where it was. Knowing Natalia, she’d move it right from under me and not tell me.

“You know he likes you right? It’s not going to matter what you show up wearing.”

I scoffed.

“This little gem of advice from the one who makes sure not a hair is out of place before you open the door for the doc?”

She threw my shoe back at me.

“Thanks for that.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you, too.”

I’d never thank her aloud for being here during my stupid freak out over this _date_ with Steve.

She knows the history of my last relationship. She was hired right before its end.

She saw everything I couldn’t.

Natasha, the name on her papers given to me the first day of her companionship from the care giving agency she works for, was every bit the woman who she is today. She’s kinder than her first impression gives way.

She could see the eye rolls, and apathetic body language I couldn’t.

He would be leaving for work, or what I then presumed was work, and would always tell me the next time he’d be able to come by.

I was desperate. I hated myself with a passion I turned into my music. Those awards reflect a darkness within myself I never knew I possessed—a chasm of sadness that I never wanted to experience, but am grateful for.

She told me a few weeks after she started, the day I dumped him, he’d bargained with her, in Russian, to keep his infidelities a secret. He’d flashed money, money he knew she needed, as a means to keep her quiet.

She told him no.

I spoke to her then, in Russian, about how I was grateful for her honesty, and that I’d learned the language via my grandmother.

That night, he told me everything when I asked. How I was merely a warm, willing body. I was one of six affairs. He never loved me, but strung me along because he thought he’d get away with it. Hindsight, I realized I’d never been to his home in the three years he’d strung me along.  Before I closed the door in his face I told him, “Спасибо, что потратил много времени.”

The next morning I knew that all of his things had been removed from my apartment.

It was then that she told me her given name.

“Get out of your head. Steve is not that asshole. Seriously, he’s as genuine as they come—stubborn, gorgeous, and too good of a person to be associated with the likes of us.”

“So he’s too good for me?”

“Ugh, you’re both idiots! You deserve each other.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

“I should head out though, he’s due to be early, boy scout that he is. You’ve got an hour or so before he shows up.”

“He wouldn’t leave children early just to see me.”

She laughed _at_ me.

“They may or may not encourage him to leave early today because I’ve promised them ice-cream for good behavior.”

I felt her move closer to me, listened to her six steps from the bed’s edge to me.

I felt her kiss my cheek.

“You deserve to be happy.”

I nodded. It was either that or laugh in her face because I was sure she’d follow through. But it also spoke volumes on the kind of person Steve is to have garnered Natalia’s loyalty like this.

“Break his heart and I’ll rearrange your apartment on an every-other-three-days basis.”

“Thank you. For everything.”

“My pleasure.”

I smiled.

“I’m off for real now; we both have reputations to uphold Barnes. People can’t know that we actually have emotions!”

I waved her off and moved myself into the piano room.

I heard her tinker with a few things in the kitchen before grabbing her things off her hook by the door, and then as she closed it behind her.

I began playing the piece that got my talent recognized on an international level. It was the piece I wrote that night the truth came out. It was the piece that allowed me my first trip to Belgium. I didn’t win that year, but it was a great start to more than just teaching and a few competitions state side.

My alarm on my watch notified me that I’d been playing for the last hour.

Steve would be here any moment.

I felt giddy.

I felt excited.

I felt nervous—in a good way.

I heard a knock on the door.

I called out that it was open, and I’d be out in a moment.

“Sorry I’m so early! The kids were uh, they were under the impression that I had to leave early, or they weren’t getting ice-cream.”

“We can’t have that!”

I smiled towards the direction of his approaching footsteps as I moved out of the room towards him.

I felt him stop just a few footsteps from me, not quite too close, but enough to be comfortable.

“Hi, Buck.”

“Hi, Steve, how was your afternoon?”

He chuckled. He was nervous.

“It was great. Two of them get to go home in the next few weeks. I’m so relieved for them and their families! I tell ya, those kids are superheroes!”

I smiled.

I really could listen to him talk about anything. He enjoyed spending time with the kids at the hospital.

“You ready, or do you need to grab anything before we go?”

“I’m good to go.”

“Do you mind walking for a bit, and then taking a train?”

I shook my head.

“Great!”

He offered me his arm and led me out of my own apartment.


	12. -012-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get back into this...life happened...in a lot of ways the last few months. 
> 
> Any mistakes are my own doing, please let me know if you spot any. :)
> 
> Sorry it's filler-ish, but I kind of dig their dialogue.

We finally made it to the train and were playing an interesting game of would-you-rather. I like that he’s not holding back with his questions.

“Alright, um, would you rather be happy and content but not achieve much or never be satisfied but achieve a lot?”

“I’ve been living the latter for so long, I think I’d like to give the former a chance.”

I didn’t mean to blurt that out, at least not quite like that.

I felt his arm tense—we were still linked together. Then he relaxed and I heard him let out a small sigh.

“Did I overstep? I’m sorry if I did.”

I shook my head and squeezed his arm.

“No, I, I apologize. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this, going out that is.”

“You can always do both, you know. You can be happy and have your achievements. I don’t believe they should be a one or the other, which I know goes against my whole asking in the first place, but I just, I saw it th—“

I pressed my forehead against the side of his head.

“You talk too much, Steve, anybody ever tell you that?”

He let out a small chuckle.

“All the time actually.”

I smiled. I pulled away and sat back up.

“I do believe it’s my question. Let’s see, would you rather lose the ability to hear or lose the ability to walk?”

“Walk. If I lose my hearing I’d never be able to hear you play the piano again.”

There was no hesitation in his voice; a little nervousness, but no hesitation.

I felt myself flushing, my cheeks were getting warm.

“You can’t deem my compositions that high in regard, you just figured out who I was not too long ago.”

I felt him shifting beside me.

“Buck, you deserve to be happy.”

“You don’t even know me, Steve.”

“I’m trying to.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“My apologies, Steve, I,  I believe it’s your question. I’d like to get to know you too.”

I offered a sincere smile. I swear I could feel him smile in return.

“We have two more stops. I’ve got one, would you rather live in a house with see-through walls in a city or in the same see-through house but in the middle of a forest far from civilization?”

I raised my brow, was he serious? Of course he was.

“Far from civilization; there’s something about nature that I find myself connected with even if I can’t see it. I am not fond of people, and despite my inability to see them, I would not like to broadcast all I do for them to see.”

The train was slowing to our stop, he stood and helped me to my feet as well.

“Same.”

“What are you, ten?”

I grinned at him.

He laughed as he led me off the train and through the crowd.

“It’s your question.”

“I think I know your answer, but, would you rather fight for a cause you believe in but doubt will succeed or fight for a cause that you only partially believe in but have a high chance of your cause succeeding?”

I could feel his eyes on me.

“You’re supposed to be guiding me, staring at me won’t get us to our destination safely.”

His eyes didn’t leave me, but I know I felt him smile this time.

“How does Nat put up with your ridiculousness?”

I shrugged.

“We’re going left up here and it should be a block up from the corner. I’d tell you the step count but I’m not always great at math.”

“You’re stalling.”

He nudged me with his shoulder as we walked ahead.

“If you think you know my answer, you tell me what I’d pick.”

“Well, from what I do know of you, you’d choose the cause you believed in with little success rate. You’re a _good person_ , one of the _rare_ kind of good person. You do what you believe is right in all that you do. Hence you doing what you do for a living, and all of your volunteer efforts.”

I felt him falter in his steps. I was right.

“You got all of that from our interactions?”

I nodded.

“Damn, Buck, that’s kind of amazing. You’re right, not that you needed me to tell you that. That smug smirk of yours tells me all I need to know.”

He slowed to a stop.

“We’re here, uh, it’s a friend of mine’s place. His family runs it, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”

“Great. Welcome to Asgard, Buck.”

I laughed. I knew exactly who would be behind the counter.

I heard the bell jingle above the door and familiar scents filled my nostrils. I knew that ten steps in I’d find the beginning of the poles that signaled where the line for customers is, and that it was a combination of turns, very much like amusement park lines, to get to the counter.

“Greetings, welcome to Asgard! Oh, hello friend Steve! And is that Mr. Barnes?”

I could feel Steve’s confusion at knowing who I was. It doesn’t surprise me that Steve and Thor know each other. They’re both big hearted softies.

“Mother, guess who has finally returned for a visit?”

I heard Thor call behind him for his mother.

I heard the commotion of his mother moving from the kitchen and out into the restaurant.

“James Barnes, I should take you over my knee! How dare you take this long to come and see us! Hello, Steve, dear; honestly James, I know your mother raised you better than that.”

I could hear on my right, so I turned towards the direction I heard her voice and opened my arms. Moments later she embraced me in a tight hug.

“Don’t you dare tell me you’ve been at another competition, Loki’s not heard of you leaving the country since last April, and it’s been about that long since I’ve last laid my eyes on you. You’re still not eating enough. I’ll make your favorite.”

She pressed a kiss to each of my cheeks and was gone as quickly as she arrived.

“Uh, so you know the Odin family, huh?”

I could feel my cheeks burning again—I’m sure I was pink all the way to my navel.

“Of course Mr. Barnes knows our family. He is my mother’s most prized student, next to my brother of course, but between us, I believe that James is the more beloved as far as students go.”

“Why do you call him Mr. Barnes, Thor?”

Thor’s loud laugh vibrated in my ribs.

“Because he is a honored musician, and in our culture, those who are revered in their talents deserve to be given the respect they’ve earned. I suppose mother’s making his favorite, shall I put in for your usual, Steve? Please, have a seat wherever you’d like.”

“Sounds great, thanks, Thor.”

I felt his hand on my arm and him turning me around to face him.

“Do you prefer the window, or would you like a booth?”

I raised my brow, was he serious?

“I love looking out the window, Steve. It’s my favorite past time, people watching.”

“I’d threaten to leave you here, but somehow I don’t think that’s as dire a situation as I’d like you to believe I’m trying to make it out to be.”

“I’m surprised I actually followed that train of thought. A booth is fine, more private.”

He led us across the space, weaving us between tables and to the far left wall where the booths were lined. He guided me to one of the seats and then sat himself across from me once I was seated.

“So, how do you know Thor?”

He choked on his spit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The questions were found doing a good search for would you rather questions. None of them are mine.


	13. -T-H-I-R-T-E-E-N-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd lost a bit of my intrigue with this story, and I do apologize for the filler chapter, but I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.
> 
> Life has gotten the better of me the last few months.

“Uh, we used to work together. I mean, we worked out together, at the gym—at the hospital; the gym at the hospital.”

I heard footsteps approaching.

“Mother suggested I make your table more intimate. My apologies friends, I hadn’t realized you were on a date.”

Thor placed something in the center of the table—ah, a candle. I had to laugh.

“Thanks.”

“My pleasure, I also have a basket of rolls at your twelve o’clock, Mr. Barnes. Enjoy, gentlemen.”

“Thank you.”

I could feel myself smiling. I was enjoying this.

“So, the gym at the hospital? What did you two compete with each other?”

I could hear him fidgeting with his napkin, he was nervous.

“Not exactly, I mean, we would be healthy about it. Plus he just wanted advice on how to woo Doctor Foster in the research lab, and he knew that her assistant Darcy, was my lunch partner. Nothing ever happened between me or either of them.”

“It’s okay Steve, we all have exes.”

“Are you okay with the fact that one of mine is a woman?”

I wanted to laugh, but it would’ve been rude.

“Steve, for whatever reason, you’re interested in me, of all people, I’m not going to let your fluid sexuality get in the way of what’s happening here.”

I heard footsteps approaching, lighter than Thor’s.

“I didn’t want to believe what I’d heard, but the prodigy has returned. Here’s your bread basket.”

I stiffened.

“Hello, Loki. How have you been?”

I heard him scoff.

“Winning, since you’ve taken time off to teach inspiring artists. How has that been going?”

“Congratulations. It’s been great. I have a few promising students who might actually give you a run for your money. Loki, this is Steve, Steve Rogers.”

“Yes, I’ve met him through the hospital a few times. Thor speaks highly of all of his friends. If you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I believe I shall return with your food in a few moments.”

“Wow, he totally has, or had, a crush on you. He didn’t even look at me during that whole exchange.”

I felt my cheeks flush.

“I know.”

“What?”

“Thor tried, rather valiantly, I might add, to set us up, however, we are not compatible. Or rather, I am not compatible with him. He’s not my type, and I’ve told him, but he’s been spoiled his whole life and expects to get whatever he wants.”

“And you’re the shiny toy his mommy can’t buy for him. Ouch.”

I shrugged. What else could I do? 

“We tried a few dates; it was awkward at best and worst. Conversation was limited to our music only, and even then it grew to how much more accomplished he deemed himself over me.”

“So you guys slept together.”

I felt myself turn away from him. I took a deep breath before turning back to him.

“Not completely, but we did, how the kids say it these days, fooled around a bit? I admit that it wasn’t in the best mental state, nor could I emotionally handle an actual relationship, but at the end of the day I am a man with natural urges, and we were both willing, if not both very desperate.”

I busied myself with a roll while I let Steve process that lovely tidbit about myself.

I picked it apart piece by piece until he said something.

I could feel the judgment from across the table.

Then I heard him let out a small laugh.

“Can’t fault you for having a fuck buddy, Buck, and he is very pretty.”

“You’re not funny.”

I heard footsteps returning. Not Loki's.

“Loki’s out on a delivery run, but here’s your favorite Mr. Barnes. Steve, here is the first course of yours; enjoy.”

“Thanks, Thor.”

He took his leave and weaved back between tables, asking other patrons how their meals were.

“He seems very nice.”

“Shut up, Buck.”

I grinned before taking a bite.


End file.
